just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
