alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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