Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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