Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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