cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We are all done wearing pants today
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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