i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
