NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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