I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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