Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize