Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
