Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
