I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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