It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
