I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
