I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
