i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
