I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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