Me. At least after what I've been through.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
