During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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