***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
