she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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