U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
