You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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