Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
