I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
