First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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