1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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