I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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