it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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