I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
