my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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