i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
