Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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