you would pick up someone in the library
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
