I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
