I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
