Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
