Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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