Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
