I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
