So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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