I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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