They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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