Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
