It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
