Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
