there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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