Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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