Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
