Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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