guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
and she was petting her beer can
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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