I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
