How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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