mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize