So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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