I seem to have left my pride at pride
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
