If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
