im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
