Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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