The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
