I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
