Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
a search helicopter?!
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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