So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
