I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
