I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I would ride that face into the sunset
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
