I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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